It came this close to admitting myself into the psych ward.
I’m serious. At one time, I felt so out of this world that my husband and I actually went to the nearby hospital to talk about my options. Fortunately, I was so shocked about the atmosphere of the ward that I got a very clear message in my head: “I don’t belong here.”
Not belonging has been my life theme.
I grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (NEC) with hardly any intimacy.
Even though I was raised by two Projectors, they didn’t understand their unique energy either and were oblivious about how to support me as well.
From an early age, I started to believe something was wrong with me.
That resulted into me making myself invisible as much as possible, trying to keep up with the expectations, while secretly dying inside.
At age 16, I experienced being in therapy for the first time.
But I wasn’t ready to see the real problem. It was just too scary, too overwhelming, and subconsciously, I thought I was going to die if I were to ever touch the pain in my core.
Growing up had its good moments, like being in nature a lot, writing in my journal, singing, and learning (although some teachers really messed up my confidence). But it was also a huge struggle.
I felt exhausted all the way through my teenage years, way up into my thirties.
I felt emotionally not met, understood, nor tolerated at times, and that messed me up big time.
The overwhelm and the constant stress of not being able to keep up resulted in me dropping out of college. I fell into a black hole and it took me years to come back from that.
Then a little light at the end of the tunnel appeared: I got an opportunity to become an independent entrepreneur, teaching singing classes and coaching vocalists. One day before my 26th birthday, I became a fulltime entrepreneur and I have been ever since.
But the sh*t had yet to hit the fan.
Three years later, I still hadn’t dealt with the chronic stress of trying to keep up with the world. I started to have all sorts of symptoms: from hyperventilation to sleep disorders and full-blown panic attacks.
By 2012, I suffered from severe burn-out.
Two years later, I missed my brother’s wedding due to panic attacks being triggered the moment I needed to leave my house. That was rock-bottom for me.
I had been on and off in therapy over the years but this time, I was serious about changing my life 180 degrees. Like a miracle, I came in contact with a psychologist who, for the first time, acknowledged and validated my reality. For the first time, I experienced real emotional intimacy.
10 months later, I succeeded in overcoming my anxiety disorder and managed to get my driver’s license (something I put off for years because I was so scared I couldn’t do it). I started to pick the fruits of my hard labour, working on myself, learning to validate and love myself for the first time.
From then on, things went better by the day.
I became more confident and although the Universe still presented me with huge amounts of challenges, somehow I worked through it, again and again.
I quit my business as a vocal coach and started working as a business coach after discovering my talent for online technique and business strategy. I discovered new passions as well: marketing and online entrepreneurship. And I reinforced my earlier passions: writing and psychology.
Fast forward to the beginning of 2019.
My grandmother passed away. She was my biggest fan in everything I did. Actually, I discovered I did know emotional intimacy because my grandmother was always there for me, although it was sometimes through “tough love”.
After her passing, it was for the very first time that I experienced having a connection with someone from the other side. It was as if our bond grew even stronger and she felt like being some kind of guide for me. I strongly believe that she steered me in the direction of discovering Human Design.
It felt like coming home.
Not only coming home to a new passion that felt somehow oddly familiar, but above all, coming home to myself. Human Design has helped me to validate what I felt and knew all along: there is nothing wrong with me. It’s the world we live in that fails to understand me.
Every day, I discover new things about myself and the world around me.
It helps me so much to finally be able to fully breathe and take up my rightful space in this world. Since I discovered and started studying Human Design, I finally feel I’m breaking free from my survival mode into genuinely thriving as a gifted human being.
It has always been my dream to be of service to people who need help. I could just never really grasp how that would look like. Thanks to Human Design, I now have a guide to support me on that journey to heal and grow myself and support people in doing the same.
According to Ra Uru Hu, who originally downloaded the Human Design system back in the ‘80s, Projectors are designed to guide the energy of Generator types. Still, Human Design really came a long way since Ra taught his original teachings (he died in 2011).
At this point, I feel that I can be of more value to fellow Projectors, supporting them on their journeys by using my own experiences as a Projector. I will never know what it's like to be a Generator type, but I sure do know what it's like to be a Projector in this Generator world.
I’d love to be part of your journey to self-discovery and leveraging your unique gifts as a Projector, as your guide on the side.
Thanks for having me.